Misleading and Irritating

"Because I'm a Man"

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.


Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.

And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. And if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine.

Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2010, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Ode To The Irritated Friend

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I will not go to stores with you.
I will not go to mall with you.
I will not shop for shoes and such.
I do not like to shop that much.

Please let me edit on this book,
This book that’s just like tenterhooks.
My time is short - oh, won’t you see?
Please let me edit! Let me be!

Please do not call me ‘cause you’re bored.
Do not ring bells at my front door.
I cannot drop what I have now.
I will not drop it, not no-how!

I want to write! I want to write!
Why can’t you see I want to write?
I work all week, my time is short.
I write my books all through the dark.

You work all week, then off you go.
You’re off to play and see the shows.
But I would rather stay right here
And write and write and write, my dear.

So don’t be mad and don’t say things,
Those hurtful things that bite and sting.
My time is short, my hours few.
Let me do what I want to do.

Just be a friend and let me write,
And if you do, one day you might
Find right there in the book, you’ll see
A Thank You page to you from me.

A Small Beef

Nothing can put me in a sour mood as quickly as coupons. More specifically, coupons that are attached to an item, giving you an additional $.50 to $1.00 or more off automatically at the register.

These would all be fine and good if the cashier actually took them off!

Okay, some of you may say, "Well, Linda, it's your responsibility to peel off the coupon, and then hand it over to the cashier when she's ringing you up."

- or -

"You need to point out the coupon to the cashier so she can take it off and deduct it."

I'm sorry, but I'm old. I forget sometimes to give the cashier the coupons. There have been days I get home and find the coupons still in my pants pocket where I'd stuffed them so they wouldn't get lost. More often than not, I find the coupon still attached to the item when I'm putting away the groceries.

Yes, I know that compared to world peace and global warming, this is an insignificant matter. But to me, it's just... irritating.