Trespassers Beware!

Damn Fairy (A Joke)

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

(Thanks, Therese!) 

The PC Habi Case

From ThinkGeek, this is a PC case that is also a home for your pet gerbil. The heat from your CPU ensures that your rodent stays snug and warm, and the case features a 120 mm low-noise fan to avoid hearing damage to your beloved rodent. Of course the case is fully functional with an ATX per supply and 6 drive bays etc.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!
The above gadget is a total scam (although it might be a great way to reuse old, outdated towers). Check out this link for more of the best April Fool's Gadgets, stories, hoaxes, and ideas!

10 Best Printer Error Messages

This is hilarious. Click this link for the 10 Best Printer Error Messages.

Shakespeare Insult Kit

Next time you're stuck for an original insult...

Red Hat Linux

Whatever You Give a Woman

(Thanks, Jo!)

I Don't Feel Stupid Anymore

As soon as this happens, it will be time to retire with dignity.

(Thanks, Mark!)

Health Tip

(Thanks to you-know-who!)

School Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

The Stress Diet

THE STRESS DIET

BREAKFAST

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Piece of whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. Skim milk


LUNCH

4 oz. Lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup Steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar of Hot Fudge

DINNER

2 loaves of Garlic bread
1 Large mushroom and pepperoni pizza
1 Large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
1 Frozen cheesecake, Eaten directly from the freezer

(Thanks, Therese!)

Neither Blonde, Nor Female

This one's for the girls!

These contractors are installing steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and probably anxious to go home.

How long do you think it'll be before they realize where they parked their truck?

(Thanks, Fiona!)

"How to Impress a Woman"

"How to Impress a Woman"

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

"How to Impress a Man"

Show up naked,
Bring beer.

(Thanks, Anna!)

Redneck College Entrance Exam

Redneck College Entrance Exam

All right. How did you do?
Now check your answers against
the correct ones.

Hey, don't feel so bad.
I didn't pass either.

Women, According to the Average Male

Women, According to Scientists

Women, According to Electronic Experts

Women, According to Mathematicians

Women, According to Engineers

A friend of mine sent me a series of pictures depicting women by men of various professions.  I'm going to drop these one at a time.  Click on the jpeg for a larger version.  Enjoy!

(Thanks, Mark!)

The Hotel Bill

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

The the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.

He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.  The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad. I was here, and you could have."

The moral of this story is Don't mess with senior citizens. They didn't get there by being stupid!

(Thanks, Mark!)